Love Can Heal

I sat in Bostyn and Bailey’s room singing songs and drawing pictures one late afternoon as Ashlee put the younger children to sleep.  I watched these girls, so proud of their strength.  I was so grateful that they had each other during this time of pain and sorrow.  My mind wandered down the hall to their one and a half year old little sister.  I wondered to myself if Kaleeya would ever have this same joy and understanding that her two older sisters had when talking about their dad.  So far Kaleeya had been angry, withdrawn, confused and resentful to anyone outside her immediate family.  She had cried more than she had in her whole life, and had been the cause of many tears from the other kids around the house.  She had picked up three different forms of projecting out her emotions.  She would hit, kick, and cry.  Ashlee and I had thought Kaleeya was too young to understand everything, and that this death would be harder on the older kids.  We were very wrong in our assumptions.  SHE WAS AWARE!  She was aware that daddy was gone.  She was aware that mommy was sad.  She was aware of the tension in her family.  She was aware of the people around her hurting, and she was aware of the broken feeling in the home.  Ashlee and I prayed to know how to help her.  We had to learn a way to change this little girl’s perception of death. 

To Kaleeya daddy was there and then quickly gone.  In a way she could have felt like her daddy didn’t want her.  Someone she was supposed to rely on, someone that she loved, someone that she cared for just disappeared one late night.  As many times as you try to explain that daddy went to heaven, there are so many other factors that must be addressed.  Many of the emotions Ashlee has written about of betrayal, resentment, not feeling wanted or good enough were also being felt by Kaleeya.

I was just speaking with a friend about what happens when a parent divorces during a pregnancy or later on after a pregnancy.  He asked me what I thought would be easier on the child. Neither scenario is easier, but I addressed both situations with him. I began by addressing the first scenario.  A child’s father that leaves before they are born will most likely feel that they weren’t wanted, that they were a mistake, and that their father never cared for them.  A child whose father leaves after they are born might feel abandoned. They might wonder if they did something wrong, or think that they never measured up enough. They might blame themselves thinking that they didn’t meet their father’s expectations.  They might feel like they let them him down and that their father is embarrassed by them.  We both sat there spouting off different possibilities to this hard question he had asked.  It made me think of Kaleeya.  Though it wasn’t a divorce scenario, it was a similar loss none the less.  I am sure Kaleeya felt the emotions from both those scenarios, but especially the second one.  ‘Why did my daddy leave me?  Was I not good enough?  Did he not love me enough?  Did he want us?  Why did he abandon me?’  With feelings like these, it makes it easier to understand why Kaleeya was struggling so much.

If your child is having any of these same emotions, whether through loss of death or divorce, don’t feel discouraged.  Many times Ashlee and I panicked and became overly concerned that Kaleeya was never going to live a normal life, and that she would never stop feeling angry or sad about her father’s death.  We began working with her on understanding that her father loved her and it was not his choice to leave her yet.  Love is a powerful weapon, it can heal and harm.  We hear the saying, “faith can move mountains”, in relation to that statement we need to remember that love can move people.  Teach them the power it has to heal.  Recreate that hope within their tiny spirits.  Let them know how proud you are of them as well as their lost loved one is.  Let them know that their lost one is in heaven, smiling down on them and is an angel sent from heaven to protect and take care of them.  Let them know that he or she will always be their parent or sibling.  Let them know that they wish for them to live the best life down on earth that they can, so that they can someday return to be together.  Kaleeya shed many tears that summer, mostly tears of misunderstanding.  Take time to talk to your child and explain.  If you have explained things once, do it again.  Their minds are like sponges, and they will catch on quickly.

Another very important issue that I have already addressed in previous posts is, YOUR MOODS AFFECT YOUR CHILD MORE THAN ANYTHING! If you think you are putting on a good face for your children when you are actually dying inside, they see that.  If they aren’t handling things well, take a look at where you are at.  You are healing too, and it is not easy! You are not only required to pull your life together, but that of your children’s too.  I recognized this as an older child mourning the loss of my own father.  Each of my siblings and I spent most days trying to be tough, trying to pretend that everything was ok, and working to mend our broken hearts.  If our mom was having a hard day though, we all crumbled. All of our effort to hold everything together was thrown aside.  If you are that mother or father, I hurt for you.  I have heard my mom say multiple times that you feel your children’s joys and you feel their sorrows.  You do not have to carry it all by yourself.

The grieving process is lonely and hard, but you do not have to go through it alone. There are counselors and support groups.  Ashlee and I both attended these for an additional resource to our different situation and experiences with loss. Another resource is our loving Savior Jesus Christ that has atoned for us and has felt the anguish we face.  There might be a million people that are going through the same situation as you, but none of them know how you are feeling like the Savior does, “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows” (Isaiah 53:4).  He knows your pain and sorrows, and is there in moments you feel you can’t continue.  He will carry you, and be there for you and your children through it all.