Play Time

Following one of Teage’s counseling sessions Ashlee came home with a look of bewilderment blazon across her face.  Trying to access the situation I found myself quickly glancing back and forth between Teage and Ashlee.  I looked at her trying to find the words to address the situation, but recognized my audience as I sat surrounded by four other children playing on the floor around me. 

This was not a new event in the household.  Streams of information were coming in constantly, and the kids were saying and doing things each day that took us each by surprise and put us in a funk.  More than anything we just wanted these children to have a normal life, and to be able to move on from this event.  Yet how could they when the information and news was streaming in all around them.  As much as we tried to protect them from the world, they were still living in it.  People around them would speak about it, as if the children didn’t understand or were unaware of what they were talking about.  From nightmares, questions and cry sessions, Ashlee and I can attest that they did. We tried to screen things from them to protect them as much as we could by making the house a safe place.  Sometimes that didn’t even cut it.  Many times the kids would wake us up by saying that they had bad dreams, or ask questions such as, “what if the bad guy comes to our house next?”  For those of you that have experienced any form of traumatic events with your children, I’m sure you too have felt similar feelings of helplessness and worry for the sake of your family as we had that night.

As night began to settle in, and all five children were comfortably sleeping in their beds, Ashlee and I finally had a moment to talk about the events of the day.  Night time allowed us to talk about everything and address certain situations or new obstacles to face, yet it made sleep some nights almost impossible.  This time she told me about Teage’s counseling appointment.  The counselor offered a group of different toys and objects to play with.  While joining him playing, she observed his behavior, the way he played with the toys, and the things he was saying during that play session.  Everything he did during that session involved guns, shooting, death, and anger.  To a counselor this is progress in finding out what is going on in his mind and being able to work through the situation.  To a mom, this is traumatizing.

As sessions did go on throughout the summer, we began to see a new Teage.  We were amazed by the changes and transformations that we were seeing.  There were no more nights of sleep uninterrupted, and more feelings of peace in the home.  Not all, but most of this we attributed to play therapy.

What is play therapy?  Within my studies and classes we talked about this form of therapy often when working with children.  It is something that you can even sit down and do with a toddler to help them through their process of coping.  Play therapy is simple, yet requires a lot of observation, patience, and you have to learn to allow yourself to enter into that play mode with them.  For example, if your child has picked up a doll and is throwing it back and forth and playing extremely rough with it, your first impression is to stop what they are doing, and show them the right way to hold a doll.  Within this context of play therapy instead we observe their emotions, how they are throwing the baby around, and what they are saying verbally and non-verbally.  Instead of redirecting the way they hold the doll, ask questions.  Is that doll happy? Is that doll angry?  Does that doll hurt? 

Child Counselors and other professionals within this line of study are amazing at this process.  They have worked it down to a science to help children cope, work through and overcome their situations.  If you don’t feel comfortable or have the means to take your child to one of these counseling professionals, you can do this similar process at home.  It just takes time, patience, toys, and one on one attention.  You could pull out some paper and crayons to draw with, or put a variety of toys on the floor to play with them. 

Generally children under extreme trauma or stressful situations cannot wait to play.  It is their escape from things, and many children will completely immerse themselves in it, just as we do our favorite book or TV show after a long day of work.   By playing a long side them, it might decrease some of their stress levels, and increase their exploration and make them feel safe and protected.  Similar to Teage’s rough play with the toys, we recognized many of the same behaviors with the other kids.  Kaleeya for example loved her gaugy gaugy (doggy doggy) and always had it with her.  On days where she was confused, felt tension in the home or anger, doggy doggy turned into something bad.  She pushed her stuffed animal dog away, would angrily throw it and say, “No gaugy gaugy, bad gaugy.”  Her father Emmett had given her the dog as a gift, and generally she had used it to bring her comfort after his death.  Some days she would experience anger toward him.  Anger that he had left her, confusion as to why, and an anger that she couldn’t fully express or understand.  She expressed a lot of it through her play with the dog.  She would push that dog away as much as she could, hit it with anger and frustration. Then there were other moments when she would hold that dog to her as close and tight as she could.  She would give it kisses, cry and softly say, “I sorry gaugy.”  Often she would hold the dog up straight at her and look face to face with the dog.  Her eyes looking directly into the eyes on the stuffed animal, nose placed together, almost as if doggy could see and feel what she was, and as if it was an expression of wanting to see, feel, and better understand her father Emmett. 

I don’t know the situations of many of your children.  I don’t know if the child has experienced death, divorce, disease, problems with friends, or loss of any sort in their life.  But I do know that quality play time is beneficial and helpful.  It offers another tool for coping, and it can even help you as the parents.  It might seem traumatizing at first, as it did with Ashlee, but opening up and finding the problem is the first step.  Don’t get overwhelmed or frustrated with your child or situation.  You are definitely not alone, and there are many parents out there feeling a sense of hopelessness, confusion, and fear for their families as well.  Just don’t give up! Every trial and obstacle we are given make us stronger and better people.  Look to your sources for strength and comfort.  They might come through therapy, religious beliefs and services, friendships or support groups.  Don’t give up on your fight for happiness.