Play Time

Following one of Teage’s counseling sessions Ashlee came home with a look of bewilderment blazon across her face.  Trying to access the situation I found myself quickly glancing back and forth between Teage and Ashlee.  I looked at her trying to find the words to address the situation, but recognized my audience as I sat surrounded by four other children playing on the floor around me. 

This was not a new event in the household.  Streams of information were coming in constantly, and the kids were saying and doing things each day that took us each by surprise and put us in a funk.  More than anything we just wanted these children to have a normal life, and to be able to move on from this event.  Yet how could they when the information and news was streaming in all around them.  As much as we tried to protect them from the world, they were still living in it.  People around them would speak about it, as if the children didn’t understand or were unaware of what they were talking about.  From nightmares, questions and cry sessions, Ashlee and I can attest that they did. We tried to screen things from them to protect them as much as we could by making the house a safe place.  Sometimes that didn’t even cut it.  Many times the kids would wake us up by saying that they had bad dreams, or ask questions such as, “what if the bad guy comes to our house next?”  For those of you that have experienced any form of traumatic events with your children, I’m sure you too have felt similar feelings of helplessness and worry for the sake of your family as we had that night.

As night began to settle in, and all five children were comfortably sleeping in their beds, Ashlee and I finally had a moment to talk about the events of the day.  Night time allowed us to talk about everything and address certain situations or new obstacles to face, yet it made sleep some nights almost impossible.  This time she told me about Teage’s counseling appointment.  The counselor offered a group of different toys and objects to play with.  While joining him playing, she observed his behavior, the way he played with the toys, and the things he was saying during that play session.  Everything he did during that session involved guns, shooting, death, and anger.  To a counselor this is progress in finding out what is going on in his mind and being able to work through the situation.  To a mom, this is traumatizing.

As sessions did go on throughout the summer, we began to see a new Teage.  We were amazed by the changes and transformations that we were seeing.  There were no more nights of sleep uninterrupted, and more feelings of peace in the home.  Not all, but most of this we attributed to play therapy.

What is play therapy?  Within my studies and classes we talked about this form of therapy often when working with children.  It is something that you can even sit down and do with a toddler to help them through their process of coping.  Play therapy is simple, yet requires a lot of observation, patience, and you have to learn to allow yourself to enter into that play mode with them.  For example, if your child has picked up a doll and is throwing it back and forth and playing extremely rough with it, your first impression is to stop what they are doing, and show them the right way to hold a doll.  Within this context of play therapy instead we observe their emotions, how they are throwing the baby around, and what they are saying verbally and non-verbally.  Instead of redirecting the way they hold the doll, ask questions.  Is that doll happy? Is that doll angry?  Does that doll hurt? 

Child Counselors and other professionals within this line of study are amazing at this process.  They have worked it down to a science to help children cope, work through and overcome their situations.  If you don’t feel comfortable or have the means to take your child to one of these counseling professionals, you can do this similar process at home.  It just takes time, patience, toys, and one on one attention.  You could pull out some paper and crayons to draw with, or put a variety of toys on the floor to play with them. 

Generally children under extreme trauma or stressful situations cannot wait to play.  It is their escape from things, and many children will completely immerse themselves in it, just as we do our favorite book or TV show after a long day of work.   By playing a long side them, it might decrease some of their stress levels, and increase their exploration and make them feel safe and protected.  Similar to Teage’s rough play with the toys, we recognized many of the same behaviors with the other kids.  Kaleeya for example loved her gaugy gaugy (doggy doggy) and always had it with her.  On days where she was confused, felt tension in the home or anger, doggy doggy turned into something bad.  She pushed her stuffed animal dog away, would angrily throw it and say, “No gaugy gaugy, bad gaugy.”  Her father Emmett had given her the dog as a gift, and generally she had used it to bring her comfort after his death.  Some days she would experience anger toward him.  Anger that he had left her, confusion as to why, and an anger that she couldn’t fully express or understand.  She expressed a lot of it through her play with the dog.  She would push that dog away as much as she could, hit it with anger and frustration. Then there were other moments when she would hold that dog to her as close and tight as she could.  She would give it kisses, cry and softly say, “I sorry gaugy.”  Often she would hold the dog up straight at her and look face to face with the dog.  Her eyes looking directly into the eyes on the stuffed animal, nose placed together, almost as if doggy could see and feel what she was, and as if it was an expression of wanting to see, feel, and better understand her father Emmett. 

I don’t know the situations of many of your children.  I don’t know if the child has experienced death, divorce, disease, problems with friends, or loss of any sort in their life.  But I do know that quality play time is beneficial and helpful.  It offers another tool for coping, and it can even help you as the parents.  It might seem traumatizing at first, as it did with Ashlee, but opening up and finding the problem is the first step.  Don’t get overwhelmed or frustrated with your child or situation.  You are definitely not alone, and there are many parents out there feeling a sense of hopelessness, confusion, and fear for their families as well.  Just don’t give up! Every trial and obstacle we are given make us stronger and better people.  Look to your sources for strength and comfort.  They might come through therapy, religious beliefs and services, friendships or support groups.  Don’t give up on your fight for happiness. 

Behind the Smiles

It was the final dance performance of the year, and I could not wait.  I had been dancing since I was three and though I had loved every minute of it, something about this year was different.  I was in that awkward stage between fifth and sixth grade.  If you were able to avoid that awkward stage, you are a very blessed person.  I swear everything I did was awkward, including the way I slicked back my hair and wore one of my many different pair of overalls every day.  Before this age, dance had been my life and it was all I knew.  But dance was all about image.  How you looked, how you appeared on stage, and how perfect you could be.  Not very many people want to go watch a dance performance where the performers are off beat, have ugly costumes, and are not pleasing to the eye.  It is something our society has created.  If an ordinary person played a role in a movie, would we pay to see it? Or does it take a beautiful actor or actress to get us interested in the show?  Where I once was so graceful and thin, I now stood on the stage with my chubby little self, self conscious about my less than perfect state I was in for the performance. 

The lights hit, the music rolled and the smiles locked in.  As the beat continued I wasn't thinking about my love for dance as I had for so many years.  I wasn't thinking about my toes pointing perfectly, and the story we were telling behind our dance moves.  I was thinking ‘get me off of this stage; I am no longer good enough to be up here’.  I looked to the crowd with the final pose holding myself with poise and confidence and not letting anyone know the pain I was feeling.  I couldn't let people know I was hurting because I was raised to be a strong independent young woman who could work through her own problems. 

Many years later after experiencing the death of my father, similar pains penetrated my heart like a million needles stabbing me.  Just as I had done on stage, I smiled and tried not to miss a beat as I danced through this unexpected tragedy.  As guests came and went through the viewing line, I smiled, hugged, comforted and held back the tears.  As the funeral rolled around and each of us got up to speak, I laughed and joked telling happy and funny experiences.  No one, I mean NO ONE needed to know that I was hurting.  I didn't want to appear weak. 

I thought back to the times I had lived with my grandma after the loss of my grandpa and my cousin Ashlee after Emmett’s death. Now it was time for me to put on a smile and carry another’s burdens once more, as well as my own.  There wasn't time to hurt; there wasn't time to show weakness.  Now I needed to step up and be strong for my mom.  I needed to hop up on the stage, put on my smile, and perform with everything I had left in me to keep myself and my family going. 

I thought I was strong enough to do this, but in reality it was causing my life to fall apart.  I started having health problems, emotional problems, and difficulty handling little tasks.  One that experienced symptoms similar to these was Ashlee’s little boy Tytus.  Tytus was a baby during all of the tragedy, but he was probably the child that was the most involved.  He was there for the cries, the pleas for help. He was a witness to the lies and the betrayals.  He experienced the panicked state of loss of hope in his mom during her final moments with Emmett.  He felt the pains of the household and they just built up inside of him.  Ashlee and I loved our time in which we were able to hold Tytus.  It felt like all of our worries and pains were gone for a moment, and that the coos and smiles vanished every pain and worry.  Just like me, Tytus was taking on too much.  

People would mention to Ashlee over and over again that she was lucky that Tytus was so young and wouldn't be affected like the rest of the kids had been.  Boy was that statement wrong.  As time went by the affects of Emmett’s death began to subtly appear outwardly and inwardly in Tytus.  It began with constant spit up, leading to being diagnosed later on with gluten and dairy intolerance.  He was months and months behind all four of Ashlee’s other kids when it came to speaking and communicating.  He once was such a mellow and chill baby, now running around throwing tantrums and objects.  He would be sweet and content for one moment, and then run around the room the next in a fit of anger and confusion.  After he finally grasped the language and began speaking, he woke up one morning with a stutter, barely able to get a complete sentence out.  Babies are affected by death, but so is anyone that holds it in and doesn't deal with it.

One of the things I learned over and over again in my major is to not let others emotions get to you.  You need to be able to find ways to leave work behind and not carry the emotions, problems, and burdens home with you.  It is a little more difficult to understand that concept fully when it is your life.  There is no time to leave the emotions at the door, because they are with you constantly and you are always being reminded of them.  When we try to lead a performance that everything is OK when we are not, we are truly in the long run hurting ourselves.  This statement is true in any given instance of pain and hurt.  Do not bottle the emotions up inside and think that they will disappear.  We need to face things.  Unfortunately there is no “easy button” like shown on the Office Max Commercials.  There is not an easy way to face anything, but there are ways that are easier than others.  There are so many waiting to offer love and comfort for us when we are hurting, but unless we allow the Savior to be a part of our healing process, it will never be enough.  He is the only one that can truly bring peace, understanding, and hope for the future.  The hope that so many of us have lost or found diminished in our lives.  The hope that there are signs of better days ahead and that all will be well.  Don’t take on more than you can handle.  We don’t have to carry our burdens alone!