Flashback

It was a late afternoon and I sat crammed on one of the girls twin sized beds with Ashlee’s four oldest kids draped on and around me.  Bostyn and Bailey had found a Boxcar Children’s Book and had asked me to read it to them throughout the summer.  It took me back to my childhood as I thought of the many times I had checked out these books.  The books spoke of creativity, adventure and children learning how to survive off on their own without parents.  It had become one of all of our favorite pass times together in the late afternoon.  Multiple times while reading, the kids would stop to ask questions or make comments about the book.  They formed a bond with the children in the book finding lots of ways that they felt they could relate.  Though they still had an amazing mom, they were somewhat excited to find someone to share similarities with in not having a father.  They felt united with these characters.

 As we were reading on through the chapters, Bailey stopped me and told me she had a question.  Thinking that is was going to be related to the book I nonchalantly paused to listen.  She said, “The kids in the book don’t have a mom or a dad, do you think they still celebrate mother’s day and father’s day?” I placed our bookmark back in its place and looked up to four sets of eager eyes staring upon me.  I opened my mouth to speak but before I could her twin Bostyn piped in and said, “Because Father’s Day is coming up in a few weeks.”  I smiled at each one of the kids and responded with encouragement and support and the planning began.  We talked about their father’s favorite things, memories we had with him, and different party ideas we could do for that special day. They were so excited to plan a day to remember their dad.  They formed the perfect plan, angel food cake and all.

I learned something from this experience. We can plan for the big events without a loved one, but what about the moments that catch us by surprise?

A few days ago I was very ill.  I had such a bad fever that I couldn’t move for two days straight.  My bodied ached, my mind was tired and I yearned for the sleep that I was not getting.  I finally got myself out of bed long enough to take medicine and use the restroom.  As I rounded the corner into the bathroom, a memory flickered in my mind.  The last time I had been this sick was about four years ago during my first year at college.

 I had gone to bed feeling fine, and woke up three hours later with a throbbing headache.  The migraine was so severe that I couldn’t see straight, and my balance was so off that I couldn’t walk without falling.  I found myself crawling down the hallway to the bathroom.  Every move felt so heavy as if I was carrying a plow behind me, so when I finally made it I collapsed on the bathroom floor and tears streamed down my face.  I had no idea what I was going to do or how I was going to get through this.  The thought crossed my mind that I should call my parents, but my phone had broken two days before this, so that was out of the question.  I laid there in defeat, truly feeling like my head would explode.  I needed my parents! I crawled back down the hallway and knocked on my roommate’s door.  It was about 2:30 in the morning, so she answered the door with a look of confusion and irritation evident by her expressions.  As she saw the tears streaming down my face she was quick to react.  She retrieved her phone and sat down next to me.  Dialing my home phone number for me, she handed the phone over.  Each ring echoed through my ears, and caused me to cringe in pain.  Finally at last my Dad’s voice came through the phone and all I could do was cry.  I’m pretty sure that is every parent’s worst nightmare having a child call them in the middle of the night bawling.  I was finally able to talk to my dad a little and he offered advice of different stretches to do and medicines to take. My dad was a Chiropractor and I knew without a doubt if I had been home he could have popped my back and neck and all would be well again. I could tell he felt helpless as he sat awake in his bed many miles away.  After consulting me on everything I needed to do, he asked me a question that I will never forget.  He said, “Tiff can I say a prayer with you?” My tears though already heavy began to flood down my face as my dad said a prayer with me over the phone.  In those moments I knew that everything was going to be ok.

As fast as this memory came to mind it was once again gone.  It had completely caught me off guard.  This time I didn’t have a dad to call.  I didn’t have a dad that was going to tell me everything was going to be ok.  I didn’t have a dad that had the faith to say a prayer over the phone with me and bring me words of comfort.  In an already weakened state, I fell to my knees in tears.  These were those moments you can’t prepare for.  Birthday’s and Holidays for me have been much easier because like Ashlee’s kids planned for Father’s day, I found myself preparing mentally and emotionally for those big events. I never realized that a single tiny memory like this could cause me more grief, pain, and sadness than any of those other days had.  I never thought that I could feel so much pain in an ordinary day and moment.

Sometimes it is the little things that are the hardest.  It could be hearing a song on the radio, watching an episode of Grey’s anatomy that flickers a moment of remembrance. Sometimes walking down the street, driving a certain route, or eating at a specific restaurant can cause you to experience that weakening moment of recollection.  The moments you can’t prepare for.

I guarantee these moments will come whether it is one month after the loss of a loved one, or fifty years.  It has nearly been two years since the passing of my father, and though it does get easier, there are unexpected moments like these.  Moments that feel like they set us back in our healing progression.  They might cause us to feel denial, anger, confusion, and sadness all over again.  We have the ability to decide how we are going to look at things though.

Though we can’t always plan and prepare for these moments, when they do come what are we doing? Do we let them pull us back down to start grieving all over again? Or do we allow ourselves to remember them and rise above these challenges? Holidays and big events can still be a happy and joyful experience.  Talk about the memories and make plans as Ashlee’s children did.  Allow yourself to feel joy in remembrance of a lost loved one.  When the unexpected does occur, know that you are not alone and that it happens to all of us.  Though my father wasn't there to listen anymore, I knew that I could still say a prayer and feel that same comfort from my Father in Heaven.