Flashback

It was a late afternoon and I sat crammed on one of the girls twin sized beds with Ashlee’s four oldest kids draped on and around me.  Bostyn and Bailey had found a Boxcar Children’s Book and had asked me to read it to them throughout the summer.  It took me back to my childhood as I thought of the many times I had checked out these books.  The books spoke of creativity, adventure and children learning how to survive off on their own without parents.  It had become one of all of our favorite pass times together in the late afternoon.  Multiple times while reading, the kids would stop to ask questions or make comments about the book.  They formed a bond with the children in the book finding lots of ways that they felt they could relate.  Though they still had an amazing mom, they were somewhat excited to find someone to share similarities with in not having a father.  They felt united with these characters.

 As we were reading on through the chapters, Bailey stopped me and told me she had a question.  Thinking that is was going to be related to the book I nonchalantly paused to listen.  She said, “The kids in the book don’t have a mom or a dad, do you think they still celebrate mother’s day and father’s day?” I placed our bookmark back in its place and looked up to four sets of eager eyes staring upon me.  I opened my mouth to speak but before I could her twin Bostyn piped in and said, “Because Father’s Day is coming up in a few weeks.”  I smiled at each one of the kids and responded with encouragement and support and the planning began.  We talked about their father’s favorite things, memories we had with him, and different party ideas we could do for that special day. They were so excited to plan a day to remember their dad.  They formed the perfect plan, angel food cake and all.

I learned something from this experience. We can plan for the big events without a loved one, but what about the moments that catch us by surprise?

A few days ago I was very ill.  I had such a bad fever that I couldn’t move for two days straight.  My bodied ached, my mind was tired and I yearned for the sleep that I was not getting.  I finally got myself out of bed long enough to take medicine and use the restroom.  As I rounded the corner into the bathroom, a memory flickered in my mind.  The last time I had been this sick was about four years ago during my first year at college.

 I had gone to bed feeling fine, and woke up three hours later with a throbbing headache.  The migraine was so severe that I couldn’t see straight, and my balance was so off that I couldn’t walk without falling.  I found myself crawling down the hallway to the bathroom.  Every move felt so heavy as if I was carrying a plow behind me, so when I finally made it I collapsed on the bathroom floor and tears streamed down my face.  I had no idea what I was going to do or how I was going to get through this.  The thought crossed my mind that I should call my parents, but my phone had broken two days before this, so that was out of the question.  I laid there in defeat, truly feeling like my head would explode.  I needed my parents! I crawled back down the hallway and knocked on my roommate’s door.  It was about 2:30 in the morning, so she answered the door with a look of confusion and irritation evident by her expressions.  As she saw the tears streaming down my face she was quick to react.  She retrieved her phone and sat down next to me.  Dialing my home phone number for me, she handed the phone over.  Each ring echoed through my ears, and caused me to cringe in pain.  Finally at last my Dad’s voice came through the phone and all I could do was cry.  I’m pretty sure that is every parent’s worst nightmare having a child call them in the middle of the night bawling.  I was finally able to talk to my dad a little and he offered advice of different stretches to do and medicines to take. My dad was a Chiropractor and I knew without a doubt if I had been home he could have popped my back and neck and all would be well again. I could tell he felt helpless as he sat awake in his bed many miles away.  After consulting me on everything I needed to do, he asked me a question that I will never forget.  He said, “Tiff can I say a prayer with you?” My tears though already heavy began to flood down my face as my dad said a prayer with me over the phone.  In those moments I knew that everything was going to be ok.

As fast as this memory came to mind it was once again gone.  It had completely caught me off guard.  This time I didn’t have a dad to call.  I didn’t have a dad that was going to tell me everything was going to be ok.  I didn’t have a dad that had the faith to say a prayer over the phone with me and bring me words of comfort.  In an already weakened state, I fell to my knees in tears.  These were those moments you can’t prepare for.  Birthday’s and Holidays for me have been much easier because like Ashlee’s kids planned for Father’s day, I found myself preparing mentally and emotionally for those big events. I never realized that a single tiny memory like this could cause me more grief, pain, and sadness than any of those other days had.  I never thought that I could feel so much pain in an ordinary day and moment.

Sometimes it is the little things that are the hardest.  It could be hearing a song on the radio, watching an episode of Grey’s anatomy that flickers a moment of remembrance. Sometimes walking down the street, driving a certain route, or eating at a specific restaurant can cause you to experience that weakening moment of recollection.  The moments you can’t prepare for.

I guarantee these moments will come whether it is one month after the loss of a loved one, or fifty years.  It has nearly been two years since the passing of my father, and though it does get easier, there are unexpected moments like these.  Moments that feel like they set us back in our healing progression.  They might cause us to feel denial, anger, confusion, and sadness all over again.  We have the ability to decide how we are going to look at things though.

Though we can’t always plan and prepare for these moments, when they do come what are we doing? Do we let them pull us back down to start grieving all over again? Or do we allow ourselves to remember them and rise above these challenges? Holidays and big events can still be a happy and joyful experience.  Talk about the memories and make plans as Ashlee’s children did.  Allow yourself to feel joy in remembrance of a lost loved one.  When the unexpected does occur, know that you are not alone and that it happens to all of us.  Though my father wasn't there to listen anymore, I knew that I could still say a prayer and feel that same comfort from my Father in Heaven. 

Love Can Heal

I sat in Bostyn and Bailey’s room singing songs and drawing pictures one late afternoon as Ashlee put the younger children to sleep.  I watched these girls, so proud of their strength.  I was so grateful that they had each other during this time of pain and sorrow.  My mind wandered down the hall to their one and a half year old little sister.  I wondered to myself if Kaleeya would ever have this same joy and understanding that her two older sisters had when talking about their dad.  So far Kaleeya had been angry, withdrawn, confused and resentful to anyone outside her immediate family.  She had cried more than she had in her whole life, and had been the cause of many tears from the other kids around the house.  She had picked up three different forms of projecting out her emotions.  She would hit, kick, and cry.  Ashlee and I had thought Kaleeya was too young to understand everything, and that this death would be harder on the older kids.  We were very wrong in our assumptions.  SHE WAS AWARE!  She was aware that daddy was gone.  She was aware that mommy was sad.  She was aware of the tension in her family.  She was aware of the people around her hurting, and she was aware of the broken feeling in the home.  Ashlee and I prayed to know how to help her.  We had to learn a way to change this little girl’s perception of death. 

To Kaleeya daddy was there and then quickly gone.  In a way she could have felt like her daddy didn’t want her.  Someone she was supposed to rely on, someone that she loved, someone that she cared for just disappeared one late night.  As many times as you try to explain that daddy went to heaven, there are so many other factors that must be addressed.  Many of the emotions Ashlee has written about of betrayal, resentment, not feeling wanted or good enough were also being felt by Kaleeya.

I was just speaking with a friend about what happens when a parent divorces during a pregnancy or later on after a pregnancy.  He asked me what I thought would be easier on the child. Neither scenario is easier, but I addressed both situations with him. I began by addressing the first scenario.  A child’s father that leaves before they are born will most likely feel that they weren’t wanted, that they were a mistake, and that their father never cared for them.  A child whose father leaves after they are born might feel abandoned. They might wonder if they did something wrong, or think that they never measured up enough. They might blame themselves thinking that they didn’t meet their father’s expectations.  They might feel like they let them him down and that their father is embarrassed by them.  We both sat there spouting off different possibilities to this hard question he had asked.  It made me think of Kaleeya.  Though it wasn’t a divorce scenario, it was a similar loss none the less.  I am sure Kaleeya felt the emotions from both those scenarios, but especially the second one.  ‘Why did my daddy leave me?  Was I not good enough?  Did he not love me enough?  Did he want us?  Why did he abandon me?’  With feelings like these, it makes it easier to understand why Kaleeya was struggling so much.

If your child is having any of these same emotions, whether through loss of death or divorce, don’t feel discouraged.  Many times Ashlee and I panicked and became overly concerned that Kaleeya was never going to live a normal life, and that she would never stop feeling angry or sad about her father’s death.  We began working with her on understanding that her father loved her and it was not his choice to leave her yet.  Love is a powerful weapon, it can heal and harm.  We hear the saying, “faith can move mountains”, in relation to that statement we need to remember that love can move people.  Teach them the power it has to heal.  Recreate that hope within their tiny spirits.  Let them know how proud you are of them as well as their lost loved one is.  Let them know that their lost one is in heaven, smiling down on them and is an angel sent from heaven to protect and take care of them.  Let them know that he or she will always be their parent or sibling.  Let them know that they wish for them to live the best life down on earth that they can, so that they can someday return to be together.  Kaleeya shed many tears that summer, mostly tears of misunderstanding.  Take time to talk to your child and explain.  If you have explained things once, do it again.  Their minds are like sponges, and they will catch on quickly.

Another very important issue that I have already addressed in previous posts is, YOUR MOODS AFFECT YOUR CHILD MORE THAN ANYTHING! If you think you are putting on a good face for your children when you are actually dying inside, they see that.  If they aren’t handling things well, take a look at where you are at.  You are healing too, and it is not easy! You are not only required to pull your life together, but that of your children’s too.  I recognized this as an older child mourning the loss of my own father.  Each of my siblings and I spent most days trying to be tough, trying to pretend that everything was ok, and working to mend our broken hearts.  If our mom was having a hard day though, we all crumbled. All of our effort to hold everything together was thrown aside.  If you are that mother or father, I hurt for you.  I have heard my mom say multiple times that you feel your children’s joys and you feel their sorrows.  You do not have to carry it all by yourself.

The grieving process is lonely and hard, but you do not have to go through it alone. There are counselors and support groups.  Ashlee and I both attended these for an additional resource to our different situation and experiences with loss. Another resource is our loving Savior Jesus Christ that has atoned for us and has felt the anguish we face.  There might be a million people that are going through the same situation as you, but none of them know how you are feeling like the Savior does, “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows” (Isaiah 53:4).  He knows your pain and sorrows, and is there in moments you feel you can’t continue.  He will carry you, and be there for you and your children through it all.